first one

so, i thought id get a blog. now that carly left dont really have anyone to spill my thoughts to, so what better place to let out random thoughts than on the internet.

you heard right, carly left. to put it simply, she couldnt get out of her head. friends of ours are getting divorced, that scared her, i couldnt calm her down so she left. she ended it very poorly in my opinion. i just came home one day and all her stuff was gone. i was hoping there for a bit that we could have ended it where she just left her stuff and eventually she realized that she was being stupid and come back, but nope. dont get me wrong now, if she wasnt happy and leaving was the only thing that would make her happy then by all means, id let her go....but...this isnt the case. oh well.

not sure what else i want to talk about....so i guess ill keep on this heartbreak theme ive been living lately.

this sudden breakup just left me hanging with my jaw dropped. i had my nights of sleep due to tears but thats behind me know and ive just been pretty much numb, the sleeping pills help. it has made me think about my past relationships though, mainly courtney. that was a very odd thing when i look back on it. i have no idea how i became the person i was and i hate to think i could ever be that person again. i dont blame her for leaving me at all. i do blame her for going behind my back, but....thats in the past. makes me wonder if i could ever try to reconnect with her on any sort of level. i can sit here and say that i could be civil and all, but when it really comes down to it, when i saw her, who knows how i would feel. it scares me to think that as soon as she walked up, i would revert back to person i dont ever want to be. her and i are on two different wave lengths now i suppose. but, i cant help but wonder what could be.

another thing ive been wondering about is the girls i may experience in my future. what type of girl will i meet? how will i meet her? what color eyes will she have? will she have good taste or horrible taste? something that really upsets me though is the fact that i have no idea how to approach a woman in the general public. im not confident enough to go to a bar alone, or anywhere for that matter. i am going to the 311 concert alone, but not by choice. it scares me to think that im going to be alone now, that carly was my last shot at having a strong, lifelong relationship. i really felt that i could have spent my life with her. now, im worried how in the world i will ever meet another girl. i just hope the next girl i end up with isnt crazy. the last 4 have all been crazy in their own way.

my ideal girl would be someone who is just as goofy as i am. someone who doesnt mind acting a fool around me, be it singing silly songs or getting ridicously fucked up. it be nice if we had very similar taste in music, art, movies, food, so on and so forth. having matching ideals on politics, religious, drugs, sex, finances, children, etc....now that does sound a little boring, and i dont want us to have everything in common. i want to be able to sit down and have thoughtful conversations on the things i have previously mentioned. i want her to bring new point of views to the table, ways of looking and thinking about things that i never have before. that was the one thing carly and i never had. she was too closed off, never spoke to me about anything, which ultimately killed us. more importantly i want her to help me live life the way i dream about living, the way i feel im not strong enough to do alone. living on the edge if you will. that sounds so sad....and i guess it is, but its the truth.

ill stop complaining now....they wont all be like this.